Are you scared to be hurt so you reject before you get rejected?
How to attract love into your life?
Some people struggle to attract love because they unwittingly sabotage their relationship or dating phase by pushing people away. So I want to ask you, do you reject before you get rejected? Sit with yourself, play relaxing music and maybe start journaling about it. Reflect back over your previous relationships and interactions with others.
You may push people away because you feel like you’re not worth their time, not feeling good enough for them. This feeling of low self-esteem and self-worth can come from other mental health issues like anxiety or depression. Pushing people away can be traced way back to your childhood, which could also have shaped your inner voice.
Why is it that you do not think you are worthy of love?
Maybe you feel like you don’t need people, have felt abandoned or that you need to protect yourself from being hurt again. Some people feel afraid to open up to another person. In dating, this can show up as finding flaws in others after a few weeks or months when it seems to become too serious. Perhaps you’re scared of commitment because of the fear of being trapped or stuck in the wrong relationship. Some people may feel scared of intimacy. Sometimes we push people away because we don’t know what we want, or we’re not ready to take that risk of falling in love again.
We’re scared that our feelings are too large an investment, love is too much of an investment. We’re afraid of putting in more than we get out, we’re afraid of giving everything and ending up with nothing. But that’s what happens when you think you’ve found love, you take that risk. Sometimes it works in your favour. Sometimes you end up with your own happily ever after. Sometimes you don’t.
We push our loved ones away because we’re terrified that our love isn’t enough to keep us together, and sometimes it’s not. Not all love is forever, but that doesn’t mean it was never real. Real love can be temporary. It can happen in a whirlwind that feels like the greatest chaos you’ve ever experienced. It can happen like a dream and what felt like hours was only really seconds. It can come into your life as quickly as it leaves.
Start asking yourself first – Am I ready for dating? Am I ready for a new relationship? Am I ready to open for love again?
Be honest with yourself! If the answer is no, great! It is your time for healing and focusing on yourself and reflecting on what you really want in life.
If the answer is yes, great! Sit with yourself and start journaling to see if there are any patterns from your past relationships. E.g. “Am I putting everyone else first and myself last, am I losing my identity for someone else, am I a controlling person, how long do my relationships last? Is there any pattern of lack of commitment or codependency showing up?
You may find that loads of patterns come from your childhood for example what you think about men, can you trust men, do you feel safe with men. You will see that maybe you think about similar things about men or relationships as your mother. You may notice that you feel that men always leave you as your father was never there for you emotionally. You may find out that you do not trust men as your father cheated on your mother. You may find out that because of your abusive past relationship, it is hard for you to open up again.
Be honest with yourself. You can change patterns and beliefs and heal however, first you need to be aware of them. Then I would highly recommend working on patterns to shift them. This way you will be more mature emotionally. You will not be projecting your baggage and wounds onto others. You will be able to create deeper relationships.
When you start finding your patterns, you will find your beliefs. This is the most powerful work you can do for yourself.
It is challenging to break a habit, especially one which has dominated our mental lives for so long. Dr Bernard Lushkin, a licensed Therapist, explains that what is far more effective, is to interrupt an old habit by developing a new more powerful practice. We need to find a new pattern, one that serves us instead of hinders us.
Take a moment and imagine how your life could change if these solutions did work for you or your loved one. It’s not the answer to push others away. Not only would you be able to put yourself into new situations that you would have been afraid to before, but you might enjoy it!
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